Many years ago, I heard an interesting sermon by a minister of the (now defunct) Worldwide Church of God, in which he applied many passages in Ephesians 4 and 5 to the Christian marriage. I took notes (still in my possession) and have thought about this concept many times. I do not remember the minister’s name, but I do remember his message.
Using some of those interesting thoughts, and elaborating on them, let us review in this Q&A some of Paul’s statements in Ephesians 4 and 5, which definitely have meaning, application to, and relevance for a successful marriage.
Ephesians 4:14-15 reads:
“… that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ…”
Applying this passage to a Christian marriage, we are admonished not to be unstable, unreliable or unsettled, and we should not always be ruled by emotions (one is glad and happy at one moment, and then sad and upset the next moment). This also includes the directive to speak the Truth in love—and not in anger and with a desire to get back at our mate. Even telling the Truth can be wrong and it can hurt our mate unnecessarily, when it is done with false motives and not with love (which is outgoing concern for the welfare and benefit of others). The Truth told in love can hurt too, even if it is told with the desire to help one’s mate. It may take great wisdom and discernment to make the right distinction and decision in that regard. We are to become like Christ who never hurt another person unnecessarily.
Ephesians 4:17, 22 continues:
“This I say, therefore, and testify in the Lord, that you should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind… that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts…”
We are told not to live any longer like those in the world with foolish and ungodly desires and deceitful lusts. We all did so in the past, but we need to get rid of such conduct and behavior, as it will destroy our marriage.
Ephesians 4:25-27 states:
“Therefore, putting away lying, ‘Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,’ for we are members of one another. ‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.”
Nothing can destroy our marriage faster than lying to our mate. You might recall this famous analogy: Each lie is like a stone which becomes part of a wall. This wall grows higher with every lie, until the wall is so high that we cannot climb it anymore or jump over it. The two mates are separated without coming together again. The same applies to anger. We must control our emotions, as we already pointed out. There is a time for righteous anger, but even then, it must be controlled and must not linger. The goal must be to bring about reconciliation “before the sun sets.” A problem should be resolved immediately or as soon as possible, because if we wait too long, Satan is right there to influence us to believe that it is alright to stay angry and even to develop hate for our mate. His desire is to destroy our marriage, and we must not let that happen.
Ephesians 4:28 continues:
“Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need.”
It should be self-evident that we are not to steal from our mate. In many, if not most cases, a couple has all things in common, so how could we possibly steal from our mate? One way would be to buy, secretly, things we do not need or should have, and of which our mate would not approve.
Ephesians 4:29 says:
“Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.’
We should try to refrain from making rude and offensive comments which our mate does not appreciate. Otherwise, we will cause unnecessary offense, which needs to be avoided so as not to jeopardize the well-being of our marriage.
Ephesians 4:31-32 continues:
“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.”
Bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil and malicious speaking to and about our mate could all lead to the destruction of our marriage. This includes the tendency to bring up things from the past which should have been resolved, forgiven and forgotten. It is always wrong to “make a mountain out of a molehill.” Rather, even in times of stress, disappointment, disagreement and quarrels, we must be kind and tenderhearted to one another, willing to forgive and to forget. It has been said that the success of a Christian marriage (with both parties being converted) may be an indicator of the depth of our conversion.
Ephesians 5:3 states:
“But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints…”
As married couples, we must stay away from and flee adultery (fornication being a violation of God’s Law committed by two unmarried people, while adultery describes a situation where at least one party is married). Adultery is related to covetousness, as an adulterer covets the wife or husband of his or her neighbor or another person. Such conduct is absolutely not fitting for converted Christians, and adultery may constitute a biblical ground for divorce.
Ephesians 5:6 continues:
“Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.”
In the context of marriage, we are not to listen to foolish “advice” or persuasions from our “friends,” who might say: “You can do this. Sleep with him or her. No problem. Your mate won’t find out about it.”
Ephesians 5:11 says:
“And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them.”
Such friends, as described above, are not real friends at all. They should be avoided. Our fellowship with darkness—with people who are not good for us—might lead to unsolvable problems in a marriage. We need to therefore evaluate whether our close contact with certain people is in fact healthy. Once we “expose” our contact and find that it is not fruitful, but leads to conduct we should not be engaged in, we need to break up such relationships.
Ephesians 5:16 reads:
“… redeeming the time, because the days are evil.”
We are to be careful that we do not waste our time on unprofitable things which, in the context of our marriage, alienate our relationship with our mate; especially, when one mate may approve of those things, while the other mate may not. Rather than doing things on our own, we ought to find ways to do things of common interest together.
Ephesians 5:18 continues:
“And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit…”
Another sure factor contributing to the destruction of a marriage is the improper use of alcohol. Consuming alcohol modestly is not wrong—Paul even encouraged Timothy to drink a little wine because of his frequent sicknesses (1 Timothy 5:23)—but to drink too much, and that on a continued basis, may well ruin the marriage relationship. Some who are drunk become very aggressive; others become silly and unresponsive. That could be an embarrassment to the sober mate; especially, when it occurs in public. A person loving his or her mate will do everything he or she can to overcome his or her alcoholism.
Ephesians 5:19-20 states:
“… speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ…”
Our focus should be on the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and a Christian marriage will be guided by principles and conduct which are in harmony with God’s Word and not contrary to it. Sinful conduct will have its automatic consequences for a marriage, and even if both parties consent to such conduct, if it is wrong, the punishment will follow swiftly (Galatians 6:7-8).
Ephesians 5:21 states:
“… submitting to one another in the fear of God.”
One of the most important keys to a successful and happy marriage is to look after and consider the interests of our mate and not only our own interests (Philippians 2:3-5). When both mates do this, then a harmonious relationship will result. Also, the following verses deal with the conduct and responsibilities of the husband to his wife; and of the wife to her husband. If both treat each other in a godly manner, then the lasting success of a Christian marriage is so much more secure.
Ephesians 5:33 concludes:
“Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
In this verse, Paul summarizes the important instruction by emphasizing the two major facts of a marriage (i.e., the husband loves his wife and the wife respects her husband), which might determine whether a marriage will or will not succeed.
We say this in our free booklet, “The Keys to Happy Marriages and Families”:
“Unless we walk in the ‘fear of God’ and ‘in love’ toward the other person, any role carried out, even if done perfectly according to the letter, will not produce a happy marriage. Further, we must concentrate on how to carry out our roles. We must do so as ‘wise’ persons—not as fools—and we must try to find out what the ‘will of God’ is in any given situation—not, what we may want to do. Finally, we must make the best use of the ‘time’ that God has given us—again, using our time to the glory of God and in submission to His will, not to ours. In doing that, we will ‘walk in love’—in love toward God and in love toward our mate.
“And if we walk in this kind of love, we will be able to ‘submit one to another.’ That is, we will be looking at the interests and needs of the other person—not just at what we may be interested in. Submitting one to another does not mean that we have anarchy—no leadership whatsoever—but it does mean that the one who is to lead is the one who is expected to serve the most…”
The booklet then sets forth many principles of righteous living which must be followed by both marriage partners to guarantee a successful lasting marriage. Please read or re-read our free booklet, and better yet, if you do not have one already, please order your free personal copy so that you can mark those passages which are most important for and applicable to you.
Lead Writer: Norbert Link
